Humbling (at 58)

 

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will turn 58. I am not who I was 30 years ago, or even 10 years ago. And while the phrase ‘over the hill’ could easily have applied several years ago, the implications of getting older are less easy to ignore as time does its work—not only on my body, but also on my mind and spirit. 

As for my body, I have come to realize just how much vanity has (working towards ‘had’) a hold on me. It’s shameful, really. The amount of time and energy I have spent thinking about how I look—whether meeting society’s expectations, how I compare with my counterparts, on and on ad nauseam. My hair has mostly faded from its darker strawberry blond tones to a light grey/blond. The past year has me feeling grateful for the abundance of locks I’ve always had since now I am shedding them like a dog in the late summer heat. (Hah!) Wrinkles have gathered and skin tone is rather lack luster these days despite the amount or type of lotion I use. The veins in my hands and legs have come to the fore in ways that even my students notice. “Mrs. Green, why are the veins on your hands that color?” Gotta love their sweet innocence. 

With my changing body, the idea “the humbling has begun” popped into my mind recently. At first I met it with some resistance. I am trying to embrace it. Thinking back on my life, there have been times of humbling that were significant starting in my 20s, again in my early 40s, and now in my late 50s. I won’t go into the details on each of those first two, but I’ll say they had to do with things such as my physical, mental, and spiritual health as well as unfulfilled hopes and/or expectations that left me disoriented and recognizing how little control I actually had over outcomes or people. However, looking back I also recognize those low points as being key to who I am today. Each “humbling” (I don’t know, did I just make up this word?) resulted in greater internal strength, peace, genuine joy, and a deep gratitude that I would never have imagined at the time. Through them, I began a journey of learning (and hopefully living) what it means to love (both others and myself) and to trust (I am loved, guided, and held within Love). I was forced to look closely at who I was, who I wanted to be, what was good and bad about my faith, what is truly beautiful, and likely much more. 

Humility, challenges, sorrows, disappointments—-these are never fun or easy to embrace/allow/ tolerate. But they seem to be necessary, fertile parts of the soil that lead to a rich life. 

And so…onward into year 59 on this beautiful, challenging journey.