Sunday Musings—Relational Challenges

These False Sunflowers are a bright spot in the backyard right now that
I love glimpsing through the kitchen window.

School has begun, and if the first two weeks are any indication, it promises to be very busy for the foreseeable future. I find that when I am at work, from the second I walk in the door to the time I leave, my mind is constantly going as I knock things off my to do list. I am a special education teacher and so wear many different hats that require my full attention while at work. I truly love working with and helping students who struggle in various ways. My job requires that I be all eyes and ears, attentive to their needs as well as concerns of parents and colleagues. 

For those familiar with the Enneagram, I have learned that I am classified as a “type 2–The Helper”. The Enneagram Institute describes twos:

Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.

• Basic Fear: Of being unwanted, unworthy of being loved
• Basic Desire: To feel loved
• Enneagram Two with a One-Wing: "Servant"

I think my job is probably a pretty good fit. I am grateful that I get to do what I do. (Minus the paperwork that comes with the job, haha.) Getting up and going to work is not difficult for me. I don’t dread it. I do get mentally, physically, and emotionally fatigued, which has led me to guard my time and energy pretty intensely. 

With these things in mind, for quite some time I have been wondering how to respond to people in my life who drain me of the little “extra” that is in me. I want to be clear. I am not talking about loved ones, friends, colleagues, etc. with whom there is give and take, genuine mutual interest in one another. We are there for each other whenever and wherever it is truly needed. I honestly do not feel drained when offering a listening ear, a helping hand, etc. to these individuals with whom I have a genuinely reciprocal relationship. I am speaking about those who have developed unhealthy and irresponsible ways of dealing with life’s difficulties that result in harm to others. Those who primarily take from me and can sometimes take advantage of me and others.

Related to my last post of Love being our very nature, I have been really struggling with knowing how to love those who have developed unhealthy ways of coping. Loving and living in harmony with others is important to me. I am not perfect and so can get down on myself when I feel I have failed. However, I have also come to realize that some people recognize this in me and can take advantage of this trait. 

I will dig a little deeper by explaining what I mean by unhealthy ways of coping. We all (I include myself) have unhealthy ways of coping with life’s challenges. In my mind, they fall into 2 categories, which sometimes overlap. Personal and extra-personal. Personal harm inflicted primarily upon oneself; extra-personal spills out onto others.

Over the past year or so, I’ve been coming to a greater awareness of how I’ve allowed others’ harm to spill on to me. I don’t want to give the impression that this is never ok. I think in all relationships we are bound to spill over at times onto our loved ones. Forgiveness and long suffering is warranted more often than not. And certainly, it is a good thing to bear one another’s burdens. But it cannot be one sided primarily. And when the spill-over becomes a pattern or when I’ve begun to have feelings of guilt for “not caring enough” that I know something is off kilter. 

I’m slowly learning to recognize the various ways that others prey upon my desire to offer compassion, to overlook offenses, etc. Subtle (and sometimes less so) manipulation is common. The person knows I am generous and what will upset me based on who they know me to be. They may say things to induce guilt or to provoke emotion. This is not love, but just the opposite. My compassionate nature wants to excuse the behavior, wants to understand their deeper reasons for their behavior. However, I am learning that this is neither compassionate nor loving. It is enabling them to continue in their dysfunction and does great harm to our relationship. It cheats them of the opportunity to show genuine love to others as it reinforces their unloving ways. I am not called to undergird anyone’s false perception of themselves or to prop up their ego. Truth is a part of love, deception is its counterpart. 

I keep looking for an easier way out than “speaking the truth in love” to my offenders. I think that’s the ultimate solution for those who are open to hearing truth. Yet I also know that people can be so deeply embedded in the deceptive stories they tell themselves, which makes me realize that wisdom is desperately needed in knowing when and how to confront. I also realize that I cannot (and am not called to) change others. It is work that only the other person can do. My role is to love, to forgive, and if necessary to resist. As I do so I need to be humble, recognizing my own weaknesses.