30s—the child rearing years

 

When I turned 30, we were well into the child rearing years. We had a job to do, and there was no veering off course. We spent our thirties wholly devoted to raising our kids. It was pretty much all we thought about, all we talked about on the few date nights that we took. Bill was the primary breadwinner, I the primary homeschool teacher (though Bill did a lot on the science end of things, and HS math/science).

When it came to raising children, I don’t recall anyone I knew giving us advice. I am sort of grateful for that. No one really wants unasked for advice. Haha…probably a good thing, because we had our own ideas, and no one was going to change our minds. Our prevailing view was that no one knew better than us what was best for our children. Whether that is true, can surely be highly debated! Nevertheless, we took that thought to heart and made the decision early on to homeschool our kids, which pretty much started very shortly after they were born. Homeschooling means many things to many different individuals. For us, it meant providing the very best for our children—heart, mind, and body. We certainly did not do everything right, but we sure as hell tried.

I could write for days about what this looked like on a daily, weekly, and yearly basis. A general description would include lots of reading aloud to them, starting when they were months old and continuing into their middle school years. I spent hours researching the best educational curricula (The book The Well Trained Mind was pretty influential leading us to study Latin and ancient history alongside solid grammar and math (Saxon was great helping both kids to flourish in math and science). Plenty of time for creative endeavors, outdoor and nature based science (mostly during elementary and middle school). I taught them piano through middle school. By the time the kids reached high school, there was a shift to independent learning, online classes, and nearby community college, as well as piano lessons from a more advance instructor. Luke was anxious to get a head start to college and finished high school a year early. With Luke leaving early, Michaela decided to enter Woodstock Academy her sophomore year and was able to take several AP college classes and have more social opportunities with peers. Many wonder what the heck we did for their social development. We made pretty large efforts to enroll them in activities with other kids—be it town rec sports, homeschool and local educational classes, dance classes, church activities, hosting an inner city child during the summers, and a national speech/debate club during high school.

As you might guess, this was an all consuming task. I have no regrets for having made this decision to be a stay at home, homeschooling parent—though looking back, there are things I would do differently. What’s that quote? When you know better, do better…? However, I have to say that I am so very proud of our kids—and I take very little credit. They are beautiful and unique individuals, despite our blunders as parents. 

I also want to make clear that I don’t think there is any one right way to parent or educate children. I teach in a public school and recognize the many benefits of public education that our kids missed out on. Each and every decision parents make is typically made with the best interest of their children in mind. I am convinced that the majority of parents take this responsibility extremely seriously. How much time they have to devote to the job is likely what varies the most, and is impacted by many other factors, including how much outside support they have. Here are a few things that come to mind from what I think I may have gleaned during this time and since then:

• Children are a blessing in every way and deserve all the love parents and society can give them.
• No parent/s is perfect. We WILL fail our kids in many and varied ways. This provides numerous opportunities to model for them humility and to show them how to sincerely apologize and make changes.
• Seek out a wide array of input from those who have traveled the road. Don’t hesitate to lean on others’ wisdom and skill set. (One major regret I have is primarily listening to very conservative/fundamentalist Christian parenting “experts”.) I am happy to converse one on one if anyone would like more details.
• One specific regret (among others) I have is emphasizing morals so much. Kids are not what they say, how they dress, who they are friends with, mistakes they make. I’m afraid that emphasizing morals so highly so often can lead a child to think less of themselves when they fail to measure up. Ugh…I REALLY hate that aspect of what I gleaned from conservative Christian homeschoolers in this regard, and if I could take back words I spoke and instruction I gave to my kids in this regard, I absolutely would in a heartbeat. I recognize that I chose to listen to those voices, so I definitely share the responsibility for this.
• What might I do instead to ensure they learn good morals? Besides modeling what it’s like to be a decent human…NOTHING.
• Time with our kids is time well spent. I am forever grateful for the TIME we had together as a family. I do not regret having fewer material things, fancy vacations (we mostly went camping). Our time was not rushed. My kids never knew the rat race that is life for most people. We definitely kept to a daily schedule and routine. “School” was not optional on a daily basis. We were pretty hard core. But by 2-3 o’clock. They were free to create, explore outdoors, read a good book, ride their bikes, play with their cousins, etc. Yes, there were daily chores and piano practice, but they could usually get those things done pretty quickly and still have a couple hours of free time before supper and free time after supper. Unhurried time is so very important for children. While we ensured they had outside social activities, we also didn’t overdo it. 
• I’ve never really been one to play by the rules, but I still had to work hard to not play the comparison game that so many people in their 30s play. Is keeping up with Jones’s still a thing? Marketers are pros at keeping this going. RESIST! You will free up so much headspace and time (time=$$) if you do.

I’m guessing more hard earned 30s truths will bubble up in my mind, but that’s good for now. I loved every minute with my kids. Everything was totally worth it!