Books, Mindset, and a Prayer

 It’s Saturday afternoon. The sun is shining brightly, greening up the lawns and prompting the buds on trees and shrubs to swell and loosen their tight grip. Laundry tumbles in the dryer. Saturdays are for catching up on house chores, a body weight workout, and if I’m lucky, a bit of rest. Today, I added grocery shopping to my to do list (typically I stop on my way home from school on Fridays, but I went out yesterday with my work team) and a quick stop at the library to pick up books. After putting the groceries away, I sat down to read the first few pages of the two books (shown above) to see which I might read first. I’m thinking Doerr’s will be first. I really enjoyed All the Light We Cannot See, so am hoping to settle into an engaging read.

For several years now, at least since I began my special education teaching career 7+ years ago, my evening routine includes a good hour of reading before bed. It helps to settle my mind from the busy work day and provides a way for me to shore up my soul with beauty and truth—whether found in creative, intimate stories or non-fiction. I love good novels with well developed characters who inspire me and help me to think more deeply about human nature. Good memoirs also inspire and challenge. Reading nonfiction deepens my understanding of the world, my students and their unique disabilities, how I might improve my instruction and relationships with students and adults alike, etc. Of all my hobbies, I suppose if I had to choose a favorite, it would be reading. I just can’t imagine life without good books. 

This past month, since coming down with Covid, various challenges have arisen. Some are just a normal part of my job—children with emotional challenges, steep learning disabilities that make for ultra slow acquisition of skills, a great many needs that spread me and my coworkers unbelievably thin, etc. Another challenge I’ve been seeking to embrace comes with my age. I am premenopausal, age 53– just a few months shy of 54. Over the years, I have come to understand that I am a pretty sensitive person, both emotionally and physically. Given this fact, it is understandable that hormonal shifts through the years, from having postpartum depression after my daughter’s birth in my late 20s, to PMS in my 30s, to PMDD (a more intense form of PMS) in my 40s, to now perimenopause—all have given me much practice in getting to know myself.

In the past, I have viewed my hormonal challenges with a mix of disdain and fear. They can be unpredictable and can have a large impact on mental, emotional, and physical health. But, through the years, I have learned to track the symptoms that come on certain days of my cycle—and this helps a lot. Just knowing what’s going on within and what I might expect, takes away the surprise element (much like a rug being pulled from beneath my feet). I am also helped greatly by taking a low dose SSRI. The SSRI made a dramatic difference when I had postpartum depression and also when I started taking it again in my 40s when the PMDD symptoms intensified.

So these past few months, as I’ve experienced increasing symptoms, my old responses of anxiety and overall ugh(!!) have risen to the surface. However, this week, I had somewhat of a revelation. I realized that whatever my body is doing right now, it’s NORMAL. I will be OK. I will get through this very natural part of aging. I am learning that things are so much better when I don an accepting frame of mind, rather than mentally fighting what I can’t control. I will still track my symptoms and take extra medication when warranted. I will likely have difficult days when I’m running on just a few hours of sleep. On the difficult days, I will mindfully lean into prayer and recognize Christ’s presence within. That stable, loving Presence will carry me. I will rejoice in the love and grace that is always available.

The prayer app that I listen to daily on my way to work always ends with this prayer:

                    You have given all to me. To you, Lord, I return it. Everything is yours. 

                    Do with it what you will. Give me only your love and your grace. 

                    That is enough for me.

‘Tis true.